If you’re a parent, you know what it’s like to have somebody else’s needs take up about 95% of your mental bandwidth. It can be easy to let your own needs simmer on the back burner, especially when you’re juggling parenthood with a demanding career.
But what happens when you leave food simmering on the back burner for too long?
It burns.
And when your personal needs are on the back burner too long, you burn out.
And that’s not good for anybody.
The dangers of letting your needs go unmet
When you’re stressed out, the stress bleeds into every area of your life. A hard day at the office might manifest as a little jab at your partner over dinner. Juggling multiple projects by day can mean collapsing early each night and missing the opportunity to spend time with your children.
We all have bad days, but when your bad days start to outweigh your good days, you need help.
Actions have consequences
Your kids look up to you more than anyone else will ever look up to you. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, they seek your approval. They mimic your actions. Their personalities are unique, but they take bits and pieces of you.
So what happens if you don’t take care of yourself? What will your children absorb if you routinely get too little sleep? If you don’t eat well (ish)? If you dwell on your mistakes—or attempt to justify them—instead of learning from them?
What are you modeling if you listen to respond, rather than to understand? Or if you’re too worn out to listen at all?
Your kids notice everything they do. And they don’t just notice it, they internalize it…good and bad. Just the other day, I gave my five-year-old a taste of my steak. Though she wanted to like it, I could tell she really didn’t. I put out my hand so she could spit it out. She was about to do that, but then she stopped herself. She shook her head, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She said, “it’s ok, I got this”. I watched her in amazement as she kept her cool and finished eating the steak she didn’t like.
Rest assured, I didn’t teach her that. I didn’t have to.
But realistically, there just aren’t enough hours in the day!
Hey, I get it. I totally get it!
But here’s the thing: if you consistently feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day, you need a new routine. We can’t change how long the day is, most of us can’t change the responsibilities we have. But we can change our mindset and our strategies.
It might sound counterintuitive, but I’ve been coaching high achievers for a long time and I know it works: spending more time on yourself actually frees you up to spend more quality time with your family.
Think about it: you’re stressed out from work, you get home and spend the next two hours helping with homework, cooking dinner and grinding through the evening routine. It’s a slog. You might snap at one of your kids for taking too long to finish their homework or for spilling their drink at dinner. That’s the stress snapping at them, not you.
But a kid doesn’t know that.
So how can you shift your outlook and keep your stress from spilling over to your home life…and your stress outside work from impacting your team and responsibilities? You can start with this 4 strategies:
- BREATH – Set aside at least 5 minutes to sit, relax, and breathe before moving to the next thing. Even if this feels foreign and uncomfortable, TRUST ME you will thank you.
- FEEL THE FEELING – As you breathe, acknowledge your feelings from the day. Was it a good day? Then soak it in. Was it not good? Then feel the frustration, anxiety, anger. Once you let yourself vent, you’ll see how it’s easier to move forward.
- BE GRATEFUL – Think of what you have that you’re grateful for. Think of the little stuff and the big stuff. There’s no wrong answer here! It’s all about keeping things in perspective. You’ll get it when you do it!
- DON’T RUSH TIME – Acknowledge the mental shift you’re about to make from work to life, or life to work. It’s impossible to make time go faster, so rather than stress about what comes after the family time…enjoy the moment you’ll be in. “Be where your feet are.”
Find a partner you can trust
Outside my walls, I like to say “be strong, you never know who you are inspiring.” Inside my walls, you can let your guard down—it’s my turn to inspire you. It’s my turn to bring you up. My turn to listen without judgment.
How refreshing to be truthful and not be judged. To be all over the place, and not be judged. To be scared and not be judged. If you don’t have this kind of person in your life, you need one.
Why?
Because having somebody you’re comfortable being vulnerable toward is how you can step outside your comfort zone. Your comfort zone is safe, but you don’t grow there. Growth happens outside your comfort zone.
Growth isn’t a one-off thing. Sure, you’ll make mistakes. We all do. There will be times you say and do things you regret because again, hey, we’re human and that’s what we do. But your perspective on those times will be different. You’ll process them differently and when they’re in the rearview, you’ll reflect on them differently. That’s how you become your best self—the “you” you want your kids to emulate.
And take actions you can be proud of
I firmly believe that excellence is never an accident. It’s what you get when you combine thoughtful intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction, skillful execution and the vision to see your obstacles as opportunities.
Some people easily bring these ingredients together and cultivate excellence on their own. Others do it best when they have a collaborator they can bounce ideas off and get constructive feedback from.
If you think you’re in that second category, try working with a coach. Your coach isn’t going to yell at you or make you do sprints, I promise. They’re the business buddy you always wanted; someone who’s a friend, but also isn’t afraid to give you the honest feedback you need to grow into your best self.
The right coach for you is somebody who’s completely invested in helping you improve your life. They want to know all your thoughts, wants, needs, and ideas, no matter how crazy you think those thoughts are. Your coach won’t judge you; they’ll meet you exactly where you are and guide you to where you want to be.
That’s their job…to bring the best out of you.
